"You Might Be A Trekkie"
A parody of the "You Might Be A Redneck If..." stand-up routines by Jeff Foxworthy,
About Trekkies and fandom in general.
Written and performed by the great Luke Ski (http://www.LukeSki.com)
(c) 1998 - 2007 Luke Sienkowski

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AN IMPORTANT NOTE FROM LUKE SKI: I originally wrote this piece back in 1998. What it really should have been is "You Might Be A Fanboy", but at the time I felt that the mainstream public didn't know what the term 'fanboy' meant. So I used the term 'Trekkie' instead to be a catch-all term for fandom types. While part of me kind of thinks I should change it now that the mass populous for the most part knows what a 'fanboy' is, I kinda feel it's too late for that, so I'm going to leave it as it is (remember, Han shot first). I'm going to mostly base this transcript of the stand-up piece on the version I performed live at MarsCon 2006, which is on my DVD "The Ego Has Landed" (http://www.LukeSki.com) and available for MP3 download at the website of the Funny Music Project (http://www.TheFuMP.com). Furthermore, if you decide to copy and paste this and e-mail it to all your friends, I respectfully ask that you include the text from the entire page, including this blurb, so that everybody knows who wrote it and where they can find my CDs, DVD, MP3s, and other merch online. Thanks, and enjoy. ~ Luke Ski, Sept. 27, 2007
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(Luke Ski speaks in a southern accent)

Yeeee-Hooo! How y'all doin' out there tonight? Make some noise, c'mon! (audience cheers) All right! How many "Star Trek" fans we got out there tonight? (audience cheers) Me too, I like "Star Trek", although I wouldn't exactly consider myself to be a Trekker, or a Trekkie. A lot of people ask me "Well, what's the difference between a Trekker and a Trekkie"? Well best I can tell, a Trekker is a "Star Trek" fan, and a Trekkie is someone who insists that you should be calling them a 'Trekker'. So... You groan now, but you'll be telling it to your friends tomorrow, I guarantee it. But now adays, being a 'Trekkie' ain't just about "Star Trek", Hell no! Now, not only so you have to be into Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise, but also Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack Of the Clones, Revenge Of The Sith, Babylon Five, Farscape, Lost In Space, Hercules, Xena, comic books, action figures, role playing games, Hell, it's Fan-delrium out there! So now there's a lot of people walking around who just don't know if they're a Trekkie or not. So, I came up with this little test to help them out. Things like, uh...

If you've ever showed up for jury duty in a Starfleet uniform... You might be a Trekkie.

If you consider foam latex, spirit gum, and chain mail a business expense... You might be a Trekkie.

If you claim to be the alien clone love child of Mulder and Scully.... And that's next week on Jerry Springer, by the way... You might be a Trekkie.

If you've ever woken up on a Sunday afternoon, in full costume, in a hotel lobby, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand... Well in that case you might be a Klingon, but uh, we won't get into that right now.

If you have a summer home in Roswell... You might be a Trekkie.

If your eight year old owns less toys than you do... You might be a Trekkie.

If you ever mugged someone for their Magic cards... You might be a Trekkie.

If your dice have more sides than a Denny's Menu... You might be a Trekkie.

If you go to the Renaissance Festival, and they won't let you leave... You might be a Trekkie.

If George Lucas asks you to proof read his scripts for continuity errors... (Luke Ski speaks in a higher-pitched southern accent, pretending to speak on the phone) Yeah, George, here on page 81, I just don't think Yoda would tell Obi-Wan to 'Get Jiggy Wit It'... And you're not serious about putting that Jar Jar character in there are you? You are? Well, you're the boss. GIT 'ER DONE! (back to previous voice)... You might be a Trekkie.

If you have ever attempted the Jedi Mind Trick at the drive-thru window... (Luke Ski switches back and forth between voices)

Beavis: