Luke:
This one is for
all the geeks
with bleak physiques
and weak obliques
Tom:
This one is for
all the freaks
with a unique reek
(who are) too meek to speak
Tim:
This one is for you!
Rand and Adam:
If you know how many settings there are on a phaser
If you’ve paid more than 100 bucks for a toy lightsaber
If you kinda thought that Farscape was cool
If you haven’t played a sport since the day you got out of high school
Then you’ve come to the right place
If you’ve lost friends over arguments about Green Lantern
If you really thought Ben Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms
If you pretend every phone booth’s a TARDIS
And you know which is the correct edition of Army of Darkness
Then you’ve come to the right place
I think you’ve come to the right place
Welcome to the Con
Welcome to the Con
Klingons, Dorsai, Furry, Elves
Get down with your nerdy selves
If you’ve sent Mark Hammill your fan script for Star Wars VII
Or you own the special edition laserdisc of Lathe of Heaven
If you’re living in your parent’s garage

And your four cats are named Taylor, Nova, Landon, and Dodge
Then you’ve come to the right place
You’ve surely come to the right place
If you gaffer-taped your manboobs in an attempt to flatten ‘em
If you tried to pay your cell phone bill with gold pressed latinum
If you care which Dr. Who was the best
Or you tried to hide that you cried when that guy died on Galaxy Quest
Then you’ve come to the right place
Look around— you’ve come to the right place
We’ll check again, but we’re relatively certain
If you’re here then you’ve come to the right place
Welcome to the Con
Welcome to the Con
All the troops in Stormtrooper suits say
“Come on, shake your nerdy bootay!”
Nerds!!! Nerds!!!
Tim:
Brothers and sisters,
Nerds, geeks, dorks, dweebs:
I’m talkin’ to you.
If you’ve ever seen the inside of a locker or the bottom of a toilet…
If you know the Klingon word for virgin…
If you brought your Star Fleet uniform and your Jedi robes, because Star Wars is more of an
evening thing…
If you came to the con this weekend to rock out with your Spock out…
Then it’s time for you to stand with me and say I will not be ashamed!
I will not settle down. I will not act my age.
I will not stop summarizing the plot of X-Factor 87 just because we’ve arrived at the restaurant
and the waitress would like to know our drink order!
I will sit in a dank room playing Settlers of Catan until my nerd funk assails the very nostrils of
God himself.
And I will let my beard grow… Grow, until it curls up and consumes my face like a Lovecraftian
tentacle creature.
Then I will sit in the consuite devouring Cheetos in the Stygian darkness… like a Lovecraftian
tentacle creature.

It is time for us to don the Vest of Many Buttons and rise as one! Heave your sweaty frame into
an upright position and totter! Totter, my large friends— lurch and waddle with me out into the
blinding light of day. Let us show the mundy muggles that now is our time! A time for nerds.
Verily I say unto thee: Blessed are the geeks, for the geeks shall inherit the earth!
Rand and Adam:
Nerds of the World Stand up!
Nerds of the World Stand up!!!
Tom:
C’mon all you nerds and geeks
Get off your fat seat and get up on your flat feet
C’mon now you herd of freaks
E’rybody better listen to the words I speak: Geeks!
Dorks! Dweebs! Freaks and nerds
March together and take up the standard
Luke:
It’s time to make up your mind:
Will you join the Cause or get left behind?
Tom:
It’s Nature, it’s Providence, it’s Evolution
So come on and join the Nerd Revolution
Luke:
At the con
We got our Spock ears on
Welcome everybody here
Welcome to the con
Tom:
Welcome Trekkers and Filkers and Gamers and Concom

Luke:

Welcome family dressed as Leia, Luke, R2, and Obi-Wan
Tom:
Welcome big fat black guy dressed as Qui Gon
Luke:
Holy crap! That is one alarmingly realistic Tron!
Tom:
All you Browncoats, gather round yo!
We’ve got a mission and ambition so let’s form a coalition
Luke:
All the Trekkers on the left side, Galactites on the right
Whovians and Buffy fans join us in the fight
Tom:
Cuz we’ve perused the news and eschewed the reviews
We’ve paid our dues and we are not amused
It’s time we blew a fuse and diffused your abuse
Cuz we refuse to choose to lose
Luke:
We’ll schmooze Jason Mewes in Dr. Who’s shoes
Overuse booze and underuse shampoos
And use our gently-used Spider-Man Underoos
To hide our Blues Clues and Secret of the Ooze tattoos
Nerd!
Tim:
Nerd Up!
Tom:
Nerd To Your Mother!