Nevada's dice-shootin, Wayne Newton, prostitution round the clock!
South Dakota's got 4 non-South Dakotans carved in a rock.
In the Carolinas, Bill O'Reilly's thought of as a genius,
And Georgia's got a climate slightly balmier than Venus,
Virginia's where a woman first cut off her husband's penis.
In Illinois you can search Craigslist for a Senate seat
And Montana's to the right of Idaho, that's no small feat
California's a granola made of fruits and flakes and nuts,
Mississippi's full of welfare mothers sitting on their butts,
Minnesota's so polite but secretly they hate your guts.
New Mexicans have wildfires to get relief from killer bees.
And Maryland leads the nation in crabs and other STDs.
Pennsylvania: slums on either end and trailers in the middle,
Kentucky's got a ban on books, you better learn to fiddle,
Rhode Island's fucking minuscule, it matters very little.
Delaware's a tax-shelter speed bump on 95.
And living in New Jersey doesn't qualify as being alive.
Connecticut's suburban hell, that's why they gave us "Stepford."
Ohio loves good rock and roll like Poison and Def Leppard
Wyoming gave us Cheney and they murdered Matthew Shepard.
Tennesseeans can't decide if they worship Elvis or Christ.
And people only go to Florida to die or see the cartoon mice.
Alabama's everything you've heard, the home of sister-kissing,
In West Virginia, half the teeth and chromosomes are missing,
And Kansas tries to disprove Darwin simply by existing.
Oregon is where California hippies go to get fat.
And Vermont and New Hampshire are rivals, how pathetic is that?
Alaskans fight the bitter cold with hate and crystal meth
And up in Massachusetts they will tax your every breath
And Texans like to barbecue retarded kids to death.
New York City's such a pit you might forget to hate the rest of the state
And the billboards in Missouri tell you God'll watch you masturbate.
Michigan has armed militias holed up in their hovels
And Maine is every horror from a Stephen King novel
Oklahoma needs its own song, cause it's just that fucking awful
Disclaimer: Marshall's guitar is made in China. GO!
The only people left in Iowa are unaware that they can leave.
And half of Arizona used to hang around with Adam and Eve
Nebraska's called "the heartland" cause the brain is nowhere near,
DC will never count for shit, and we won't count it here,
Hawaii hasn't been a paradise in fifty years,
Louisiana's government is run by racketeers,
Colorado's fucking boring even if you are a skier,
North Dakota's just like Pluto but without the atmosphere,
In Washington you're homeless or a software engineer,
Indiana's just as badass as your average Mouseketeer,
Wisconsin kills you young with battered cheese and stanky beer,
The nicest car in Arkansas' a Chevy Cavalier,
And nobody would give a fuck if Utah disappeared.
USA, yay, yeah.