On the first Christmas sweater that my true love gave to me was
The leg lamp from Christmas Story
On the second Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Two Monster trucks
And Godzilla fighting Bruce Lee
On the third Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Three little pigs
Two Magic Mikes
And a dog watching Cops on TV
On the fourth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Four Beatle heads
Three blind mice
Two horny toads
And a sloth in a Lamborghini
On the fifth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Five Golden Girls
Four naked Smurfs
Three Amigos
Two cans of Spam
And a drink holder stretched to my knee
On the sixth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Six Mueller convictions
Five jingle balls
Four Kim Jong Uns
Three drunk elves
Two cracked nuts
And a goat with a hipster goatee
On the seventh Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Seven dwarfs hot-tubbing
Six strips of bacon
Five Chandler Bings
Four wiener dogs
Three Sith lords
Two water bongs
And a Christmas Vacation R.V.
On the eighth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Eight-legged lobsters
Seven-colored rainbows
Six-packs of Guinness
Five dingalings
Four parrot turds
Three Stooges
Two-headed cows
And an Avatar babe in 3-D
On the ninth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Nine Supreme Court judges
Eight naughty snowmen
Seven cats with lasers
Six cups for beer pong
Five gold G-strings
Four lava lamps
Three canned hams
Two Vulcan ears
And Bo DUKE in the General Lee
On the tenth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Ten pounds of tinsel
Nine sprigs of holly
Eight bags of glitter
Seven chains of popcorn
Six rolls of ribbon
Five ho ho hos
Four flying squirrels
Three Care Bears
Two kissing sharks
And a purple box full of Plan B
On the eleventh Christmas sweater my true love gave to me were
Eleven strippers stripping
Ten pins for bowling
Nine babies dancing
Eight reindeer mating
Seven llamas pooping
Six wrestlers sweating
Five golden retrievers
Four-letter words
Three Trump wives
Two camel toes
And Beyonce twerking Jay-Z
On the twelfth Christmas sweater my true love gave to me
Twelve Pee Wee Hermans
Eleven pez dispensers
Ten joke commandments
Nine Santas mooning
Eight zombies eating
7-Eleven Slurpees
Six Big Lebowskis
Five strands of lights, which gave me
Four muscle sprains
Three slipped discs
Two pulled groins
Now I need physical therapy
The FuMP
2018-12-21
Artist
Steve Goodie
Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! And whatever other version of Season's Greetings will upset the most people!
And here's a brand new song, which, I'm thrilled to announce, is the...
Return of the genius we call Spaff!
There is no one in the world more diligent about never repeating a lyric within a funny song. So, when he decided to apply this work ethic to parodying the world's MOST repetitive (and annoying) Christmas song, well... see for yourself how awesome it is.
Full disclosure... I helped with a couple lines. But this is still full-on, laser-sharp, inimitable Spaff-Genius at work.
Speaking of genius... the great Bob Emmet provided the delightful harpsichord artistry for this piece. Thanks Bob!
This song goes out to my much-missed wino-friend Kathy, whose Ugly Sweater Parties will never be equaled.
Music: Traditional
Words: M. Spaff Sumsion and SG
Harpsichord: Bob Emmet
Vocals, additional keyboards, arrangement, production: SG
Additional vocals: Jenny Casey
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