Well, Arthur Pendragon was a good ol' boy
He roamed the wild woods on the island of Britain.
He killed boars and deer(s) with bows and arrows.
He'd wipe his butt with grass when he was done shi--you' know, takin' a dump.

Til one day, Arthur met up with this old hippie dude
who said he was a wizard named Merlin.
And he gave Arthur some magic mushrooms.
Pretty soon his mind was wheelin' and whirlin'.

After that Arthur was convinced that Merlin had powers
so he applied to be a hippie apprentice.
But Merlin grabbed the classifieds and showed him an ad
for a position just a tad more pretentious.

"Wanted: King" said the classified ad.
"Qualifications: pull a sword from a stone."
So Merlin gave him a can of WD-40.
Next thing you know, he's sittin' on the throne.
(Not the white porcelain one, the kind that don't flush.)

Well, Arthur had it all, except he wanted a missus
so he headed on down to the bar.
Some hoochie named Guinevere showed 'im her hooters,
so he married her right then 'n' "thar".

But Arthur's sister Morgan was the jealous kind.
She didn't take too kindly to competition.
So she got him drunk and he got her knocked up.
Pretty soon there was a brand new addition.

Guinevere was gettin' some on the side, too.
Even duct tape couldn't keep her legs together.
She fell for a knight who slipped her the lance (a lot)
'til Arthur found 'em together in whips 'n' chains 'n' leather.

The whole sordid tale ends with Arthur's son Mordred...
challenging his paw to a duel.
They got out their banjos and played to their deaths.
Fate, it seems, can sometimes be cruel.

But Morgan knew a guy who knew cryogenics, so off to Avalon the ladies did adjourn.
They took Arthur's body with them for to revive him, so some day... uh the King will return