Narrator:
Now you all know the story of Rudolph, the reindeer with the glowing red nose who led Santa's sleigh through a foggy Christmas eve. Well, a few Christmases later, Santa was in trouble again.

Santa:
Ho, ho, holy hell, the Elves are on strike.

Elves:
WE WANT OUR SHOE BELLS TUNED!

Santa:
There's no time!

Narrator:
So Santa sent good old Rudolph out in search of a last-minute supply of toys to stock his sleigh.
Rudolph:
Golly, where should I start looking?

Santa:
Why don't you try that mysterious foreboding island shrouded in an ominous mist and emanating wails of abject misery? Ho-ho-ho!

Rudolph:
Umm...Okay!

Santa:
I'll call in the Munchkin scabs!

Narrator:
So Rudolph set off, and in no time at all that scarlet-schnozzed ruminant landed on the shore of the mysterious island. Hermit crabs scuttled along the sand wearing Burger King Pokemon balls, as Seagulls choking on giggle sticks flew overhead.

Rudolph:
Wow! What is this place?

Squeeze-me Bear:
Well, well, well, we have a celebrity here. Santa must be pretty hard up to send someone like you to someplace like this.

Rudolph:
Who are you guys?

Squeeze-me Bear:
I'm squeeze-me bear. This is Jingle Frog, Peek-A-Boo Clown, Hippo-Lot-O-Fun, Curiosity Snail, Action Copter Happy Bird, and See-Thru Loco.

See-Thru-Loco:
Toot! *explode*

Squeeze-me Bear:
Dammit, Loco.

Rudolph:
Hey, I know these toys! Weren't you all subject to recall for safety concerns?

Squeeze-me Bear:
Recall is a funny word, Rudolph. It can mean different things, good and bad.

Rudolph:
Really?

Squeeze-me Bear: Why, sure.

The misty-eyed grownups recall how they'd play
With lawn darts and klacker balls back in the day
Til somebody took all their cap guns away
To the Island of Recalled Toys.

Recall Chicken Limbo, recall Micronauts,
Recall Water Wiggles and Clippity Clops,
They were raided by cops, confiscated from shops
To the Island of Recalled Toys.

R: So...why were you recalled? HIppo-Lot-O-Fun?

Hippo: I have a small knob. It's a choking hazard. Gnomesane?

R: Ohh. And Jingle Frog?

Frog: I have a string. Let's just say...Some kids...can't handle their string. Ribbit.

R: And why were you recalled, Curiosity Snail?

Snail: Really? Are you curious?

R: Um...how about you, Squeeze Me Bear?

S: Well, I have a wire inside me that could potentially...potentially poke out. That makes me banned under the Federal Hazardous Substances Act. Do you know how hard it is getting a job with a felony on your record?

R: I do, but that's another story.

S: No injuries were ever reported for a Squeeze Me Bear. But they took me away from my owner, a little girl named Melanie. She cried, until her parents bought her a puppy.

R: That's so sad.

S: I hope it ate her face.

R: But who would do such a thing?

Narrator: Well, just at that moment, an Official Chopper 9, a delightful toy recalled in 1984 due to four incidents of eye-gouging and face lacerations, descended from the sky.

S: I think you're about to meet our fearless leader.

O: That would be me!

Someone in distance: Oh god, my eye!

O: I am called the Overprotector, and I am the caretaker of this land.

R: So you brought all these toys here?

O: Of course I did! Someone has to think of the children!

The perilous playthings, these treacherous trinkets
Deceptively deadly, though you'd never think it
A child could eat it, insert it, or drink it
So think of the girls and the boys
I've gathered the dive sticks with risk of impalement
The toy trains that topple in flaming derailment
R: I still don't know what Curiosity Snail meant
It's the island of recalled toys

You can't count on children to care for themselves, they just don't have the mental acuity
And when the muse strikes than the dumbest of tykes block their windpipes with rare ingenuity

Toy chests which double as child guillotines
Plastic goo bubbles containing benzene (these)
Nefarious knickknacks are now only seen
On the island of recalled toys

S: Don't listen to him, Rudolph. Most of these toys never hurt anybody.

O: Balderdash! We've done studies! Every toy here is potentially dangerous!

S: Every toy ever is POTENTIALLY dangerous. A Navy Seal learns ten different ways to kill a man with a Nerf football.

O: That's different! I'm talking about toys with small parts...or lead...

Narrator (sings):
Small parts and lead, small parts and lead...

Overprotector:
SHUT UP!

Narrator:
Alrighty.

O: These magnetic menaces S: They're just Polly Pockets
S: And toy phones with O: with cords that fit into wall sockets
S: Galactica spaceships O: with throat-seeking rockets
S: A Santa? O: That melts and destroys!

S: (SPOKEN: Okay...) But look at these innocent Barbie sunglasses
O: Their glitter's afloat in petroleum acids
O: It burns when it's swallowed, and worse when it passes
S: They shouldn't be drinking their toys

S: Kids tend to learn from each cut, scratch, and burn, from every new toy that they try out
So just let them play, what the hell, what the hey, what's the harm? O: Well, they might shoot their eye out!

R: Well the kids need their presents to save Christmas Day
I've a mission to do so I'll be on my way
Cuz you know very well I can't fill Santa's sleigh
From the island of recalled toys

R: Sorry, guys...good luck! Maybe civilization will collapse and there'll be post-apocalytic Mad Max kids to play with you or something! Bye!

O: Wait a minute? What's that tag say?

R: Uh...nothing...

O: Hey! You're not a high-quality officially licenced Rankin-Bass Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer action figurine from the Memory Lane line of Playing Mantis Toys at all! You're a knock-off!

*gasp*

R: Well I, uh-

O: Where were you made, Indonesia? Mexico?

R: I don't have to say anything.

O: We have Slip 'n Slides here. Do you know how easy it is to use one of those as a waterboard?

R: Shenzhou Province, People's Republic of China.

O: Aha! Now let's stick that shiny painted nose of yours into this gas chromatograph spectrometer, shall we?


Gas Chromotograph spectrometer: Boopboopboopboop.

R: Uh ohhhh.

O: Oh you're not going anywhere, Mister.

R: Ahhh, *beep beep* Golly *beep beep beep* gee *beep* whiz


Rudolph the Lead-nosed Reindeer
Had a slightly toxic nose
And if a child licked it
Possibly they'd be exposed

All of the other reindeer
Have a microfiber fill
Rudolph is stuffed with phthalates
And the fumes could prob'ly kill

FDA, CPSC, and FTC all say...

O: Rudolph with your nose so vile
You will never leave this isle

Narrator: But...wait a minute...what about Santa? What about the elves? What about the toys? What about the children?

Santa: Ho ho ho! Screw it! They all get socks!

Newscaster: Coming up at 11, a Christmas day tragedy, as a young boy chokes to death on his socks.

Copyright 2010 Rob Balder and Tim Crist