Dateline: not too long ago,
I said to myself "you know
You're whiter than a white thing that is white."
I drove over to the beach
To metamorphosize my bleach-
White skin into something that looks right.

I was puzzled when I found
There was no one else around.
Just a bunch of ugly birds hanging about.

They all turned around and leered
At my chevy cavalier.
I had a feeling my luck had run out.

It was a seagull massacre.
And my car will never be the same.
It was a seagull massacre.
And I only have myself to blame.

I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It was like a windshield ruining service.
I don't know what those seagulls ate.
But it's now all over my license plate.
My car was black and now it's white.
Tried to shoo them. I lost that fight.
I'm terrified and they must be stopped.
Pardon me while I get a mop.

Alfred Hitchcock was right.
Seabirds pooping in the dead of night.
Bay gulls would've done less damage
And I could've made a sammich.
Do you know what rhymes with "birds"?
Yeah, you guessed it, man. It's turds.
Now I'm pooped, 'cause you know what, folks?
I used up all the obvious jokes.

It was a seagull massacre.
And I'm left with nothing but my shame.
It was a seagull massacre.
It's a moment for the hall of lame

It was a seagull massacre.
And my car will never be the same.
It was a seagull massacre.
And I only have myself to blame.

Bye-bye birdy, bye bye.
Don't do that in my eye.
I guess I'm glad I survived.
But now what am I gonna drive?

It was a seagull massacre.
And my car will never be the same.
It was a seagull massacre.
And I only have myself to blame.