Let me tell you all a story 'bout a man named Charlie tried to fly out of JFK
He was two hours early, 'Cause before he boarded, he had to pass the TSA

As he waited in line he had a chance to read the sign that told him what he’d better not do
But unbeknownst to Charlie, they had changed the regulation, he was carrying too much shampoo

And did he ever return, no he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned
He missed his flight and then he missed the next one, he’s the man who never returned

First they fingerprinted Charlie, ran a lie detector, then they pulled his credit score up
Checked his license and his passport and his high school transcripts, and they made him pee in a cup

Then they strip searched Charlie, checked his body cavities, and tested his DNA
When he asked for his lawyer they said, “Sorry, Charlie, you can call from Guantanamo Bay.”

And did he ever return, no he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned
Now they’ve moved him to an undisclosed location, he’s the man who never returned

So you citizens who fly, better heed this fable, for the moral is very plain
Next time you travel remember poor Charlie, it’s faster to take the train

And did he ever return, no he never returned, and his fate is still unlearned
Now you can see his face on the side of a milk carton, he’s the man who never returned