"You Might Be A Trekkie"
A parody of the "You Might Be A Redneck If..." stand-up routines by Jeff Foxworthy,
About Trekkies and fandom in general.
Written and performed by the great Luke Ski (http://www.LukeSki.com)
(c) 1998 - 2007 Luke Sienkowski

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AN IMPORTANT NOTE FROM LUKE SKI: I originally wrote this piece back in 1998. What it really should have been is "You Might Be A Fanboy", but at the time I felt that the mainstream public didn't know what the term 'fanboy' meant. So I used the term 'Trekkie' instead to be a catch-all term for fandom types. While part of me kind of thinks I should change it now that the mass populous for the most part knows what a 'fanboy' is, I kinda feel it's too late for that, so I'm going to leave it as it is (remember, Han shot first). I'm going to mostly base this transcript of the stand-up piece on the version I performed live at MarsCon 2006, which is on my DVD "The Ego Has Landed" (http://www.LukeSki.com) and available for MP3 download at the website of the Funny Music Project (http://www.TheFuMP.com). Furthermore, if you decide to copy and paste this and e-mail it to all your friends, I respectfully ask that you include the text from the entire page, including this blurb, so that everybody knows who wrote it and where they can find my CDs, DVD, MP3s, and other merch online. Thanks, and enjoy. ~ Luke Ski, Sept. 27, 2007
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(Luke Ski speaks in a southern accent)

Yeeee-Hooo! How y'all doin' out there tonight? Make some noise, c'mon! (audience cheers) All right! How many "Star Trek" fans we got out there tonight? (audience cheers) Me too, I like "Star Trek", although I wouldn't exactly consider myself to be a Trekker, or a Trekkie. A lot of people ask me "Well, what's the difference between a Trekker and a Trekkie"? Well best I can tell, a Trekker is a "Star Trek" fan, and a Trekkie is someone who insists that you should be calling them a 'Trekker'. So... You groan now, but you'll be telling it to your friends tomorrow, I guarantee it. But now adays, being a 'Trekkie' ain't just about "Star Trek", Hell no! Now, not only so you have to be into Star Trek, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and Enterprise, but also Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return Of The Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack Of the Clones, Revenge Of The Sith, Babylon Five, Farscape, Lost In Space, Hercules, Xena, comic books, action figures, role playing games, Hell, it's Fan-delrium out there! So now there's a lot of people walking around who just don't know if they're a Trekkie or not. So, I came up with this little test to help them out. Things like, uh...

If you've ever showed up for jury duty in a Starfleet uniform... You might be a Trekkie.

If you consider foam latex, spirit gum, and chain mail a business expense... You might be a Trekkie.

If you claim to be the alien clone love child of Mulder and Scully.... And that's next week on Jerry Springer, by the way... You might be a Trekkie.

If you've ever woken up on a Sunday afternoon, in full costume, in a hotel lobby, with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand... Well in that case you might be a Klingon, but uh, we won't get into that right now.

If you have a summer home in Roswell... You might be a Trekkie.

If your eight year old owns less toys than you do... You might be a Trekkie.

If you ever mugged someone for their Magic cards... You might be a Trekkie.

If your dice have more sides than a Denny's Menu... You might be a Trekkie.

If you go to the Renaissance Festival, and they won't let you leave... You might be a Trekkie.

If George Lucas asks you to proof read his scripts for continuity errors... (Luke Ski speaks in a higher-pitched southern accent, pretending to speak on the phone) Yeah, George, here on page 81, I just don't think Yoda would tell Obi-Wan to 'Get Jiggy Wit It'... And you're not serious about putting that Jar Jar character in there are you? You are? Well, you're the boss. GIT 'ER DONE! (back to previous voice)... You might be a Trekkie.

If you have ever attempted the Jedi Mind Trick at the drive-thru window... (Luke Ski switches back and forth between voices)

Beavis:         That'll be $13.27 sir.
Obi-Wan:      You won't be charging me for this food.
Beavis:         I won't be charging you for this food.
Obi-Wan:      And you won't skimp on the french fries.
Beavis:         I won't skimp on the frnech fries.
Obi-Wan:      And you'll give me all 32 of the collectible Star Wars toys at once.
Beavis:         I...
Obi-Wan:      Thank you, drive thru.
Beavis:         Thank you, drive thru! Heh hmm heh, thank you drive thru!

Or, if you've ever had the Jedi Mind trick attempted on YOU at the drive-thru window, like this...

Watto:         That'll be $13.27 sir.
Qui-Gon:      These gift certificates will be fine.
Watto:         No, they won't.
Qui-Gon:      These gift certificates WILL be fine.
Watto:         NO, they WON'T! Who do you think you are waving your hand around, Ronald McDonald? Get the Hell out of here!

...You might be a Trekkie.

If you ever tried to talk your way out of a speeding ticket by explaining to the officer that you're just an illusion created by the Matrix... (Luke Ski does Keanu voice) But officer, I had to keep driving faster than 50 miles an hour or my car would explode... You might be a most EXCELLENT Trekkie!

If any of your pets or children are named after Joss Whedon characters... Who made a mess on the carpet?! Kaylee Winnifred Summers! You better clean up after your dog right now! Bad dog! Numfar, do the dance of sadness! (Luke Ski dances like a dog doing the dance of sadness)... You might be a Trekkie.

If you ever set up a pup tent at 3 AM in front of Toys R Us... Those wave 13 Wookiees are mine!... You might be a Trekkie.

If you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as the Duras Sisters... You might be a Trekkie.

If going to your room involves descending below ground level... You might be a Trekkie.

If you ever got drunk at a party, put a lampshade on your head, and walked around going "Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!"... You might be a Trekkie.

If you claim to be the eleventh incarnation of Doctor Who... You might be a Trekkie.

If the bingo caller yells "B-5" and you say, "Shoot! I forgot to set my TiVo!"... You might be a Trekkie.

If you ever had your girlfriend dress up as Xena, or your boyfriend dress up as Gabrielle... You might be a Trekkie.

And finally, if Leanord Nimoy has ever said a setence that contained both your name and the phrase "restraining order", you just might be a Trekkie!

Thank you very much! Live long and perspire, y'all!

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Download an MP3 of a live performance of this at http://www.thefump.com/fump.php?id=21 - Visit http://www.LukeSki.com for more fannish comedy by the great Luke Ski.
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