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2016-02-09
Steve Goodie Endoscope 

Happy birthday!!l!
Now you're fifty years old and you'd rather not have to be thinking about a colonoscopy
It's more pleasant to deny the fact that colo-rectal cancer kills a half a million people every year

Your medical plan!
Says preventive care is something they provide for free just for you (thanks Obama!)
So get ready to let them hunt for polyps and ulcers and tumors in your rear

Don't worry!
Hey, doesn't it sound like fun to have a camera up inside in your colon
Um, is there an alternate approach, like an X-ray or a cancer-sniffing dog, they all say nope

This gadget!
Is mounted on a tube and can remove tiny polyps for examination later on (wow!)
And apropos to this procedure they call this rectal selfie-stick an endoscope

That's an endoscope up your A?. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (say cheese!)
There must be some other way?. yay yay yay yay yay
No that's an endoscope up your A (I need more light.. boy, the sun really doesn't shine up here)

You just gotta do this, that's what everyone says, quit being such a baby
Call the doctor and make an appointment and eventually the nice receptionist will call you back

Get ready!
She tells you that for three days you'll be feasting on nothing but broth just like a lingerie model
To roto-root and clear out every tiny little bit of fecal matter clinging to your digestive tract

Ew!
You also gotta clear your schedule to allow extra quality time with your toilet (oh no)
Go to Walgreens and ask them for economy-sized strawberry-flavored industrial-strength laxatives

Oh boy!
And stop by the library to borrow giant stacks of reading material (yeah? just keep this stuff)
And now it's three days on the pot with lots and lots of Harry Potter and constant explosive flatulence

And then an endoscope up your A?. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (you may feel a little pressure...)
Without the slightest bit of foreplay?. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (Get my good side! Wait! My eyes were closed!)

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that a camera that's crammed inside your butt could have the slightest chance of seeing anything carcinogenic that's attached itself inside your large intestine but according to the internet there's every indication that your chances of surviving through your fifties are pathetic unless you submit yourself to this undignified procedure and you put your trust and faith in modern western medicine?
where was I?

It's time!
Now you're ready to let them go where no man has ever gone before
You're smart, you got an early appointment so you'll have the whole day to recover from PTSD

Lie down!
You get a gown that covers nothing in the back so your crack is on display for absolutely everyone
And now you realize the brilliance of this simple yet ubiquitous design for maximized visibility

Anesthesia!
Curl up in a ball like the baby you've become and then there's drugs (ooooo)
Soon you're sleeping and dreaming of rainbows and unicorns and not the thing that's up your personal space

Recovery!
Now it's over and you're hoping that they didn't find a tumor or a spatula or anything humiliating
You get a friend to drive you home and sit and binge The Walking Dead all day while stuffing chocolate in your stupid face

That was an endoscope up your A?. yay yay yay yay yay
That was an endoscope up your A (scared the crap out of me!)
Read the card on that bouquet?. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (everybody!)

That's an endoscope up your A?. yay yay yay yay yay
That's an endoscope up your A (now just the pharmaceutical salespeople!)
You want to grow old like George Takei?. yay yay yay yay yay
Well shove an endoscope up your A (where's my lollipop?)
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