Smeg Head

An original hip-hop song about the BBC's British Sci-Fi Sitcom "Red Dwarf" (© Grant Naylor Productions)

Lyrics by the great Luke Ski

© 2011 Luke Sienkowski

Verse 1:

You're an ouroboros orphan who became a technician

For the Jupiter Mining Corps for a mission,

And you scream as you're blasting off to the stratosphere,

"It's cold outside! THERE'S NO KIND OF ATMOSPHERE!"

…So now what do you do?

Eat 13 pounds of chicken curry and vindaloo!

Deep spaces. 3 MILLION YEARS IN STASIS!

Now you and your Cat are on a first name basis. (Cat: Ow!)

Ms. Koshansky? You could finally be hers,

'Cause you're the last human male in the universe!

So hang a U-turn at the nearest star,

While Holly's head banging to your rock guitar!

You're a SMEG HEAD! If you bathe every week.

In the loo, out of time, take a Stasis Leak.

You're a SMEG HEAD! Hope you're wearing a cup,

'Cause the boys from the Dwarf are gonna smeg you up!

Verse 2:

You're highly evolved, your evolutionary roots

Are a cat named Frankenstein. A LITTLE RICHARD PUSS 'N BOOTS!

You're a fashionable pilot, drinking some Chablis,

Not a Tongue Tied, buck toothed, mop head, Dwayne Dibley.

Take your seafood away, and you're bound to get bitchy,

Sayin', "I'M GONNA EAT YOU LITTLE FISHIES!"

…Or maybe you're a robot mechanoid,

Who was rescued after crashing on some random planetoid.

Cleaning gutters with the Scutters, a domestic spacer

With a head that looks like a chewed pencil eraser.

WILL YOU ACHIEVE HUMANITY? There's no way to know,

Maybe Silicon Heaven, where the calculators go?

You're a SMEG HEAD! (Cat:) If you ever doubt me,

I'm so vain, that I probably think this song is about me!

You're a SMEG HEAD, IF YOU'RE A POLYMORPHER!

Damn, it feels good to be a Dwarfer.

Rimmer: Kryten!

Kryten: Yes, Mr. Rimmer, sir?

Rimmer: My memorial statue which I erected for myself hasn't been dusted in over 13 hours. Do you have anything to say?

Kryten: Yes, sir, I do have something to say. You're a smmmmmmmm!

Rimmer: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Kryten: You're a smmmmmmmm heeeeeeeee! (continues to struggle)

Cat: Hang on, goalpost-head! Maybe he's trying to say that old cat word, 'snarf'?

Lister: No, Cat, what he's trying to say is that there is no frelling way he's going to take orders from a Mudblood muggle prat like him.

Rimmer: I still outrank you, Lister. Oh, just spit it out, you metal gimboid!

Kryten: Actually, what I was trying to say is, "Frak off, you gorram, ruttin', scruffy-looking nerf herder, smeg head!!!(*laughs*)

Lister: That's it!

Cat: Yeah, you got it!

Verse 3:

You're a snack machine repairman, returned from the dead,

With a big letter 'H' stuck to your forehead.

Even as a hologram, the highest ranking recruit,

But it takes you 5 minutes just to do a salute.

You complain that in life that good luck was bereft.

Well just take a Dimension Jump to the left,

And discover a much cooler version of you does exist.

Ace: "Smoke me a kipper, I'LL BE BACK FOR BREAKFAST!"

Ride the Rimmer Experience all sanguine,

Or go mad with Mr. Flibble the penguin.

Buy hey, I wouldn’t say that you're a total putz.

You looked DEATH in the FACE and you KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS!

You're a SMEG HEAD! If your space corps directives

Always getting misquoted, and your hard light's defective.

You're a SMEG HEAD! If you think you're so macho,

But you run away from danger, and you're hot as gazpacho.

You're a SMEG HEAD! If you married a Gelf.

If it's too weird for words, justify yourself!

You're a SMEG HEAD! Just go to Fiji to surf,

'Cause the Red Dwarf posse's coming Back To Earth!