Oh why does my Aunt peg    have a mustache on her face?
She doesn’t even know it’s there, it’s such a big disgrace!
She used to be quite beautiful, and lovely to see
But lately she looks manlier than me. 

It’s right under her nose, just above her cigarette
And we’re a bit concerned   ‘bout how big that thing might get.
It’s really quite disturbing – confusion is valid.
She’s got Paris Hilton’s body, but the face of Gene Shalit!

Verse Two
Why does my Aunt Peg  have a mustache on her face?
She doesn’t even know it’s there, it’s such a big disgrace!
And normally a thing like that would be OK with me – 
But there’s food in there from 1993! 

It frightens all the children     her husband’s really scared.
We don’t know what to call it, is she “follicly impaired’?
‘Cause now there’s hair inside her arms, and sticking out her pants
She’s not like other women, except the ones from France!

Verse Three
Why does my Aunt Peg     have a mustache on her face
She doesn’t even know it’s there, it’s such a big disgrace!
And normally her face   was as smooth and soft as silk
But now we always know when she’s had milk.

My aunt’s a freak of nature, my God, she’s a mess 
And when she tries to kiss me,  I vomit on her dress. 
It seems that her whole body’s    just covered up with fur
So now she’s like Chewbacca,  except without the   (cow sound)

Verse Four
Oh why does my Aunt Peg  have a mustache on her face?
She doesn’t even know it’s there, it’s such a big disgrace! 
She used to be quite beautiful  and lovely to see
But lately she looks manlier than me.

VAMP
(one, two) There’s a bald spot   on her elbow
Eat your  heart out, Frida Kahlo
Wears her suit     to cover hirsute
Just a trim    takes plenty o’ loot. 
Uses Head & Shoulders  on her head (two)
and shoulders
She looks manlier than me
Lately she looks manlier than…..me.