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2010-04-30
Worm Quartet The Ballad of Dr. Stopp This song contains language that may be objectionable to some listeners and may not be suitable for radio broadcast.

My wife and I were cuddlin' as we watched somethin' befuddlin'
It was Extreme Knitting on ESPN
(And) when we started some caressin' and segued into molestin'
I suggested we should go upstairs right then

But she said "There's just one hurdle, you're a fair bit too damned fertile
"Do you nae remember when our son was born?
"I was poppin' my lo-ovrum, you were wearin' eight-ply trojans
"But I still wound up a-hurlin' in the morn"

Li di di...

I groveled and I pleaded, for t'was lovin' that I needed
And no self-induced relievin' would suffice
But she wouldn't give me one kiss, said "My oven must stay bunless
"And until that's not a danger, let's play nice"

I said "That's all well and neato, but tell that to my libido
"It's still indicatin' true magnetic north"
She said "Better put some ice on, I won't look at that thing twice un-
"-til you set upon the plan that I'll lay forth"

(Refrain)
And she told me 'bout a doctor in Rochester
An old surgeon by the name of Doctor Stopp
And if I went to him the next day with my fifty-dollar copay
He'd curtail our family lineage with a chop

And I said "I swear to you my lover, that my heart longs for no other
"And that from your side I've got no cause to roam
"And if the ring upon my finger doesn't prove to you my love
"Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home, drive it home
"Yes the scar upon my nuts should drive it home"

Well with that my fate was written, I was in his office sittin'
With some nervous men with legs crossed o'er their parts
The whole room was decorated with a look that could be dated
To when Abba was still burnin' up the charts

The patient just before me came a-lumberin' out quite sorely
From the room where I assumed the deed was done
And although I'd been informed a quick recov'ry was the norm
I still took note he wasn't doin' cartwheel one

Li di di...

The doctor came in swiftly and he asked me for my history
As he prodded at the junk beneath my jeans
He said "Have ye any questions?" I said "Nay sir I'm all set
"As long as there's good drugs and big high-tech machines"

He said "T'aint no nucl'ar fission, just a quarter-inch incision
"And a slice from out the tubes beneath your meat
"Then I'll stitch'er up and mend'er, for a week ye'll be quite tender
"And then no more shall your sack be packin' heat"

He pronounced me a fit candidate for surg'ry
And he scheduled me for slashin' one week hence
And at home my wife was waitin' for to be brought up to date on
All the progress of the plunderin' in my pants

And I said I swear to you my lover that my heart longs for no other
And that from your side I've got no cause to roam
And if the ring upon my finger doesn't prove to you my love
Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home, drive it home
Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home

On the morn of the procedure I'd been told to shave my features
In a place for which no razor is contoured
And my wife suggested after she'd choked back most of her laughter
That I probably should've practiced on a gourd

As the slicing hour drew near, I began to shake with fear,
But my wife said "Darlin', there's no need to whine
"You'll recall for what it's worth I didn't cry when I gave birth"
and I said "That's because they numbed your fuckin' spine"

Li di di...

They marched me to my room, where stripped down to face the doom
Of my infinite potential gals and gents
I said "Will it still feel good when I make love or wax my wood?"
He said "You won't notice a vas deferens."

On the table I was laid, in the air my legs were splayed
While the doctor scrubbed my bits for the attack
And I'll tell ya, lads and ladies, they can numb you half to hades
You still know when there's a knife stuck in your sack

My wife drove me home at 13 miles an hour
While I sat there with my teeth deep in my lip
And although it's been years past, I could still draw for ye if asked
A map of every bleedin' bump along the trip

But I said I swear to you my lover that my heart longs for no other
And that from your side I've got no cause to roam
And if the ring upon my finger doesn't prove to you my love
Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home, drive it home
Then the scar upon my nuts should drive it home

Well 5 years have come and gone now since that mornin'
When the doctor did to me...the thing he did
And just yesterday my bride, looked to me all twinkly-eyed
And said "Y'know, I've been thinking...maybe we should have...another kid?"

And I said I swear to you my lover, that my heart longs for no other
And that from your side I've had no cause to roam
But if one scar on my nuts doesn't prove to you my love
You can get your fickle ass from out my home, out my home
You can get your fickle ass from out my home!

Ow.

Copyright 2010 Timothy F. Crist
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