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2008-01-04
the great
Luke Ski
Jack Bauer This song contains language that may be objectionable to some listeners and may not be suitable for radio broadcast.

Jack Bauer
An original rap song about the TV show "24"
Lyrics by the great Luke Ski
© 2008 Luke Collis Sienkowski, All rights reserved
Jack:	The following takes place between track one, and track three.
(SFX: clock beeping intro, drum fill, 4 measure opening stanza)
Chorus A:
Guys:	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Verse 1:
Luke:	Espionage in the L.A. scenes,
        Where most time the ends, they justify the means.
        And ever since late 2001,
	You'll see real time flies when you're under the gun.
	Counter Terrorist Unit agent Jack Bauer,
	Often needs a shave and probably a shower.
	Buchanan's the Director of field operations,
	Almeida is tactical, Michelle's communications,
	Edgar's an egghead, and Chloe is snarky,
	and Morris is British and full of melarchy.
	But I might be wrong, cause they always change stations,
	Due to sudden promotions or exterminations.
	But aided by their digital clockin' stanza,
	They're building up tension when commercials do pass.
	Never before has right-wing propganda
	Disguised as entertainment kicked so much ass!
	Come on!
Chorus B:
Guys:	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
The Torture Scene:
Henchman:	You can't do this to me! It's illegal!
Jack:		Oh, you'd be surprised what kinds of torture my government has legalized. 
		Let's turn on the 13 hour marathon of American Idol auditions!
(SFX: William Hung singing "Fergalicious")
Henchman:	No! Stop! You can't do this! Ahhh! Ahhh! No, it's horrible!
Jack:		TELL ME! TELL ME WHERE HE IS NOW! TALK, DAMMIT!
Henchman:	Okay! Okay! I'll talk! I'll talk!…
Verse 2:
Luke:		Top of the hour at the CTU,
		And Chloe and the crew ain't got much to do,
		When some Scientologist sleeper cel leader
		Hacks into their system with a message to read.
Bad Guy: 	Surrender, America! Make me Arch-Duke
		Or I'll blow you all up with my suitcase nuke
		Full of nerve gas and virus that turns you six colors
		And also you must pay me one billion dollars!
Luke:		Suddenly Jack manifests in a blink.
Guy 1:		I thought you were dead?
Jack:					That's what I wanted you to think.
Luke:		And despite his past insubordinate behavior
		They reinstate him like a federal savior.
		They give him some choppers and tanks and humvees,
		And a cell phone that detects W.M.D.s,
		A main frame computer the size of your basement,
		And a Ford F150 just for product placement.
		While Jack sets off for some interrogation,
		The President's appraised of  the situation.
		His advisors are all corporate schills, that's for certain,
		Like some Army commander named Hal A. Burton
		Who insists that to soothe America's own rage
		Is to bomb other countries back to the stone age.
		But President Palmer ignores those demands.
		Because he knows,
Palmer:				    That's were all states stand.
Luke:		So while those guys try to remove him from office
		We find out the new CTU techie novice
		Is really a mole there to knock them off kilter,
		Who commits sabotage, and removes their spam filter.
		But when he's discovered he kidnaps Jack's daughter
		Who's as easy to nab as a cold glass of water.
Mole:		If you want her alive you must grant me immunity,
		And extradite me to my home community!
		Do as I say or she will be dead! Aaaah!
(SFX: Smack! Thud!)
Luke:		…Jack-boot to the head!
Jack:		Now tell me the info to stop your attack,
		And maybe you'll live with your nuts in tact.
Luke:		Spills the beans, then Jack and the Marines,
		Stop the bad guys and their domestic weapon machines.
		Like a ninja, Jack splits, down the road he'll hitch hike.
		The only thing that could defeat him is a writer's strike! 
		Oh no!
Chorus C:
Guys:	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
The Writer's Strike Scene:
(SFX: CTU phone rings twice)
Chloe:		Obrien.
Jack:		Chloe, it's Jack. I need you to upload new dialogue to my PDA stat.
Chloe:		I'm sorry Jack, we don't have a script yet.
Jack:		Dammit, Chloe, what am I supposed to say now?
Chloe:		I don't know. Why don't you say 'dammit' a few more times?
Jack:		Dammit, that isn't going to be good enough!
Chloe:		Well you use it in every other line of dialogue. That, and 'son of a bitch'.
Jack:		Son of a bitch!
Chloe:		Told 'ja.
Jack:		How am I supposed to keep America safe from Communists and hippies
		and the concept of tolerance if I don't have any tough-guy things to say?
Chloe:		Hold on, I'll see if I can steal some dialogue from the internet.
Jack:		Thanks Chloe, what would I do without you?
Chloe:		Probably get killed about twice an hour.
Jack:		What?
Chloe:		*sigh*, nothing Jack.
Chorus D:
Girls:	Chloe Obrien. She's always lyin'
	To cover Jack's tracks when he's not complyin'.
	Always pryin' with uber leet spyin',
	And she does it all while rolling her eyes and sighin'.
Guys:	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
Verse 3:
Luke:	He's Jack Bauer, got skills to spare.
	Other secret agent types will never compare.
	Forget Jack Ryan, he's not much of a reader.
	Don't need an Alias, cause he got La Femme Nikita.
	He gave Jason Bourne his Burn Notice, it's true,
	And told Prisoner Number Six, 
Jack:					"Be seeing you".
Luke:	Unlike MacGuyver, his tech's not absurd.
	And he left James Bond both shaken and stirred.
	You say 'Austin Powers', and he'll just say 'NOT!'
	And he makes Maxwell Smart look like Michael Scott.
	The CSI cops are now outlined in chalk,
	And Chuck Norris, Texas Ranger, now uses a walker.
	So if you fear some bad guys who are pissed about our wars,
	And you think that extremists are all hiding in your drawers,
	Convinced that you'll fall victim to a terrorist attack,
	Well then click your box to Fox because you don't know Jack!
Girls:	Jack who?
Chorus E:
Guys:	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
The Zero Wing Scene:
Jack: 		What happen? 
Chloe: 		Somebody set up us the bomb. 
Jack:		Dammit! 
Chloe: 		We get signal. 
Jack: 		What? 
Chloe: 		Main screen turn on. 
Jack: 		It's you! 
Bad Guy: 	How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us. 
		You are on the way to destruction. 
Jack: 		What you say?!
Bad Guy: 	You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha.... 
Chloe: 		Jack!
Jack: 		Son of a bitch!
Chorus F:
Guys:	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
(Music cuts out)
	Jack Bauer. He got the power.
	Minute by minute, and hour after hour.
	He's hard corps, gonna stop the war.
	And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24.
(SFX: End of episode clock sound)
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