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2009-12-31 (0 comments)

2009 and 2010


I've done a really shitty job of updating the Worm Quartet LiveJournal, which is kinda lame given that it's linked from the "News" link on my website AND it's been a springboard in the past for a lot of interesting creative ideas. I've been all about keeping my Twitter thing going, though.  Despite my initial comments that I didn't see the point of Twitter at all, I've found I rather like the challenge of fitting amusing and/or informative things into 140 characters.  I even wrote a piece of TwitFic (a.k.a. a 100-character story) for the Drabblecast last year, namely:

They had warned him the drug might affect his mind, but he awoke to a perfect day. Birds were shining, the sun was singing...

So anyway, yeah.  2009 has included, among other things:
- Me 'n' Kim's ten-year wedding anniversary, celebrated with a dad-blamed cruise, and with it the reinforcement of just how awesome Kim and I fit together even though we're, like, really old now
- Steve's first day of school.  My boy is reading and writing and starting on the 'rithmetic-ing.  It's amazing.
- Kim returning to college to learn how to type real fast and converse in medical jargon that confuses the crap out of me.
- The birth of Baldbox, a side project with Rob Balder.  This is the first non-Worm Quartet comedy project I've ever been involved in that's actually managed to release a CD.  Our "U.S. F'n A" with Possible Oscar hit #12 on the Dr. Demento year-end countdown and #1 on DJ Particle's Mad Music top 50 for 2009, so thanks buttloads to all of you guys for requesting it.
- Three layoffs at work, which I survived.
- My collaboration with MC Lars on our cover of Atom and his Package's "(Lord It's Hard To Be Happy When You're Not) Using The Metric System," which has resulted in me sharing the stage with Lars on several occasions.
- The FuMP winning a goddamned Parsec award
- Steve's first con (Con on the Cob) where he took the stage and performed with EMC's kid
- Worm Quartet's first Canadian performance
- Worm Quartet's first two "Guest Of Honor" bookings
- Worm Quartet's first wedding performance
- The death of my mullet
- Something really important that I'm going to totally forget to mention here, which in turn is probably going to piss somebody off.

2010 looks insane so far.  I've got a bunch of cons planned already, two new creative projects kicking into high gear in January (I will remain mysterious about these for now,) and I absolutely have to have a new Worm Quartet album out this year because I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting really sick of my old crap.  It should be a fun year - I'm really psyched about it.

What're you guys up to?  

I hope you all have a blast tonight doing whatever you do to ring in the new year, and I wish all of you a nippletastic 2010.


2009-12-29 (0 comments)

Fun with blasphemy!

On our trip back from visiting my parents and sister, Kim and I accidentally invented a game: Take a Christian campfire song or Christmas song, and try to fit the words "in my pants" into the lyrics.

We ended up with a few gems, though I only remember a few of them:

"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my pants!"

"I've got the whoooole world
In my pants
I've got the whoooole world
In my pants..."

"My God is so big, So strong and so mighty, There's nothing my God cannot do in my pants!"

"Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
In my pants"

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle in my pants..."

"Frosty the snowman
Was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made in my pants"

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise him all creatures in my pants"

"Angels we have heard on high
Sweetly singing in my pants"

"Away in a manger, no crib for a bed
The little lord Jesus lay down

...I can't.

Anyway, we eventually ran out of ideas (though Kim tried valiantly to make "Ave Maria" work) and ended up segueing into classic rock tunes (the Beach Boys' "In My Room" was the most obvious winner from that session.)

Steve was watching Arthur's Christmas in the back seat with very good headphones during all of this.

Feel free to add your own additions here.


P.S. - I should also mention one bilingual semi-non-sequitur:

"Alouette, gentille Alouette
Alouette, dans ma pantalons"

2009-12-01 (0 comments)

This Saturday - MC Lars at Water Street!

MC Lars is rocking the WBER Holiday Thingy Whatnot at Water Street here in lovely Rochester, NY this Saturday! I'll be putting in a cameo during his show making those face-noises that people refer to as "singing!" Show up, dammit!


2009-11-14 (0 comments)

A stupid card game you can play with your dumb friends


A card game for 4-17 people.


1. Whoever has the least offensive neck (selected by vote) chooses the dealer.
2. The dealer shuffles the deck if he or she feels like it, then gives eight cards to all the white people playing the game. Everybody else gets an even number of cards, somewhere between between eight and twelve, depending on the dealer's guilt level. If the dealer runs out of cards, that's not my problem.
3. The first person who has a Jack and screams "I enjoy breastmilk!" is designated Egypt. If nobody has a Jack, the dealer chooses another random number or face card to be the Egypt-selection card, and the first person to have that card and scream "I enjoy breastmilk!" will be designated Egypt. This continues until Egypt is chosen.
4. Anyone who screams "I also enjoy breastmilk!" will be designated vice-Egypt, a purely honorary position with no real power.
5. Once Egypt has been selected, the Dealer is no longer important and must throw his or her cards acoss the room with disdain and sulk away while everybody points and laughs.
6. Players must stack their cards in order of their difference from the number of sex partners they have had, the greater numbers first. For example, if Trudy has had 6 sex partners, they would put 6 on the bottom of the deck, followed by 7, then 5, then 8, then 4. Anyone who has had sex with a King, Queen, or anyone named Jack can stack these cards on the bottom. Everyone else must stack them on the top.


1. Everyone sits with their hands on their laps while leaning over the table. Egypt counts to nine, and when he or she hits seven, everybody must scream the name of their favorite dairy product (or a readily-available substitute if the player is lactose intolerant,) take the top two cards from their stack, and smack them against their forehead, allowing them to fall.
2. All players whose cards both land on the table must simultaneously try to grab at all the cards they can (excluding the players' stacks) while screaming "MINE! MINE! MINE!" This is called table-grabbing because that's what it fucking is. Any cards which landed on the table when the dealer threw his or her little sissy-fit are also eligible for grabbing at this point. Any player whose cards both land on the floor must stomp on them while swearing creatively, and may not participate in the table-grab. Any player for whom one card landed on the table and one landed on the floor must stomp first and then grab. Anyone with a card (or cards) still stuck to their forehead must scream "Aggh! Get it off get it off!" and smack it off of their forehead before proceeding with any of the above activities, and maybe consider taking a goddamned shower.
3. After the table-grabbing is complete, Egypt screams "Okay, that's game!" and the dealer should enter the room expectantly, asking if the game is over yet and if maybe they can play in the next game. The players should mock him or her relentlessly until he or she sulks away again.
4. The players should take the cards they've grabbed and put them somewhere safe and potentially inappropriate. Play should then continue, following steps 1-4, until all of the players' stacks are exhausted. Players whose cards are exhausted first cannot participate in the table-grabbing. Get over it, whitey.
5. Whoever has the most cards after all stacks are exhausted is a cheating asshole, and everybody should accuse them of this, particularly if the cheating asshole in question is Egypt. If the cheating asshole has been Egypt more than once this evening, he or she should also be slapped.
6. The dealer can come back in the room now, I guess, if he or she promises not to be such a goddamned pussy. If playing another game, the dealer selects the new dealer, and preparation for the new game begins from step 2 of "preparation."

If anyone really plays this, I want a youtube link.


2009-11-13 (1 comment)

Mouth candy

I stopped at a Hess station for some much-needed pre-show caffeination last night, and a couple of college kids were in line in front of me, discussing their plans to drink, have some dinner, and then go to the bar. One of them was purchasing chewing tobacco, which he referred to as "mouth candy," to the great amusement of one of the other kids in line.


Okay, so... (a.) If chewing tobacco is MOUTH candy, What do you call NORMAL candy? And more importantly, (b.) where do you put it?

This isn't quite one of those "if it wasn't for my horse" things, but I still can't stop obsessing over it.


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